It’s far more important to know who you are, and be comfortable with that, than to know or try to be who others think you are (or think you should be).
I used to know exactly who that me was. And I may not have been the gentlest, or calmest, or most mature me, but at least I was me. At least I knew who that was. The only problem was, I didn’t really like where that me was. And I wanted to change.
At the time, I thought it was just the lifestyle I wanted to change. But looking back now, I realize it was actually that me that I wanted to change, that I no longer wanted to be. What I really wanted was to change me, be a different me, a better me.
However, I wasn’t aware of this at the time, so I didn’t really focus on solving that particular issue or getting to the core of it. Instead, I fixed my situation and surroundings. I found a new lifestyle, a new career, a new world to occupy myself in. And that made it all better… for a while.
Maybe I could say that on some level I did know that entering this new world would also force me to change who I am as a person, and how I would live that new life. But I didn’t spend any time actually thinking about how I would change or figuring out who that new me would be.
So now here I am, with this incredible new life, new career, new relationships and new community, and I’m amazed to discover that I’m still not completely happy. Because I still don’t know who I am – who this new me is that fits into this exciting new world.
That’s still something I’m working on. And I won’t figure it out overnight, but at least I’m focused on the core issue now. I’m looking inward for once, instead of at my surroundings and how they affect me. I’m taking responsibility for the affect my recent major decisions have had on me and my personality.
For example, I’ve been struggling with the fact that I feel less ever-bubbly and energetic like I used to be, and the fact that I now actually frequently desire the company of fewer people at a time… sometimes even none. That scares me, because that’s completely different from how I used to be. And I thought that meant something was wrong. But it isn’t wrong. It’s just new. Being in a new place in my life has also meant becoming a new person. And I don’t regret this new life, or where I am now, so how can I be disappointed in the me I am now?
I’m going to embrace this new me, and find the joy in the things that this new me values – more intimate interactions, greater comfort with trust and vulnerability, more time for quiet and reflection, and a need to feel ownership over my own space and own choices. And if I can do that, then I can truly say I know who I am within this new life, and new me, that I now call my own.
The Writes of Passage 