I don’t know how people do it. I tried. I worked at Google for four years, trodding along every day in the corporate hamster wheel. And it drove me crazy. Literally. I developed anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed and everything.

Every day became a struggle.
For the latter half of my time there, I worked as an executive admin assistant. So my time and schedule were already not my own. I’d accompany my exec to meetings (or go in their stead if they were double booked), prep them for the next one, and make sure they were fed and caffeinated in between. So now my days had become: go to meeting, run to bathroom, have a panic attack, cry, hyperventilate, maybe throw up, then fetch lunch, go to another meeting, run back to the bathroom, and so on and so forth, on loop all day long in a vicious cycle.
Now to be clear, I’m not saying working at Google (or other large corporations) is as horrible as I’m making it sound. Google was actually quite a magical place to work. The rumors are true. There were so many perks, especially at the mothership Mountain View headquarters where I worked most of the time, that it was hard to ever justify leaving. We had a gym, twelve cafes (each with a different culinary specialty), free laundry machines, dry cleaning delivered to your desk, and ridiculously discounted massages you could grab between meetings (a 15-minute chair massage was only $5!). We called it campus. It was basically college 2.0. You might call it heaven. And it was, for a time.

But as with all good things, it’s perfectly natural for it to eventually come to an end. It’s also true that no one person is the same, so no one work life will fit everyone the same either. This one simply did not fit me. I just didn’t see it. So my body forced me to stop and pay attention.
It’s as if it was saying to me,
“This life is hurting me. You don’t feed me well. You don’t rest me enough. I’m unhealthy and weak and tired all the time. I don’t know what I’m getting out of bed for anymore. I’m going in circles and it hurts. So I’m not going to function for you anymore until you change it.”
“Until you do, I’m going to give you sleepless nights with restless limbs and cold sweats and bad dreams. I’m going to make you hyperventilate and shake all over and throw up. I’m going to give you cough after cold after flu. I’m going to mess with your head, so that you question the devotion of your friends and family, and fall into a deep depression. I have that power and I’m going to use it until you listen.”
The way I like to put it, my body had an allergic reaction to corporate life.

One day my amazing exec pulled me aside and asked if I was okay. She said, “The light’s gone out of your eyes.” She could see something was wrong. We talked and she encouraged me to take some time off to first get healthy, then reassess what I want to do. So I found a therapist, met with our HR, and together we made a plan to give me three months of paid medical leave – which I was incredibly touched they offered despite the very real possibility that, after all that, I might decide it best to leave Google altogether.
So off I went. Once a week I saw my therapist, learned about cognitive behavioral therapy, and attended group panic classes. I sat in a circle with other anxious Annies and Adams like me and learned breathing exercises. Or how to calmly stop and evaluate the realistic changes for all those worst-case scenarios running madly through my head. They were helpful, to a point. And I gave them my all.
But the perhaps far more valuable exercises from my three-month leave were the ones I did with myself.
Now now, nothing dirty mind. Just good clean soul-searching fun. I spent hours alone doing countless introspection exercises on myself. I read every career book and took every personality test I could find. Meyers Briggs. Strengths Finder. The 4 Quadrants. What Color Is Your Parachute?

I journaled every day, stream-of-consciousness style, and analyzed what came out. I tried to remember and write down my dreams first thing every morning, and pulled what insights I could from those too.
I made lists upon lists. 5 things I truly love about my current work. 5 thing I hate about my current work. 5 things I honestly think I’m great at. 5 things others say I’m great at. 5 things I know I suck at. 5 skills I’d like to improve. 5 subjects I’d love to study more. 5 careers I’ve always wondered about. And so many more.
I really do love making lists.
Then I took a long hard look at all of those great insights, and at myself, and identified my 10 “passion core” – the core values I must have in my daily work to feel excited to wake up each morning and fulfilled at the end of each day.

Here’s where my 10 Passion Core landed:
- My Tribe – More than anything else, I’ve learned it’s the people I work with who have the biggest positive impact on my professional joy and fulfillment.
- The Subject Matter – It’s gotta be something I’m passionate about, or can get passionate about. Even if I don’t know much about it yet, I do love to learn.
- The Implementor – I prefer to take a more behind-the-scenes role implementing others’ ideas, rather than struggling to come up with great ideas myself.
- Location Freedom – I love being nomadic and multi-city, so I don’t want any work that might compromise a healthy balance with that travel and lifestyle.
- Constant Learning – Again I love learning, so I want opportunities to constantly expand my knowledge on a variety of topics from people who are better than me.
- Cyclical Change – Expanding on variety, I prefer work with a natural rhythm of frequently changing projects, roles, and topics for fresh perspective and challenge.
- Creative Development – I love storytelling, particularly in fiction, and want to have significant creative input with whatever project or team I’m on.
- Tangible Results – I also love building things, and prefer to do project-based work where I can easily see the results of my work with my own eyes (and often hands).
- Frequent Movement – Stagnancy is my greatest fear, so I want work that keeps me moving, building strength, rarely sitting still – both physically and mentally.
- Livable Pay – Money is of least importance to me, but it’s still a reality of life, so my goal is just to make enough to comfortably thrive in this unconventional lifestyle.
Identifying these 10 Core Values was not so much a reinvention of the self as it was a reconnection to the self. The self that I’d lost somewhere along the way. I was lost and now I am found. It wasn’t easy. It never is when you’re trying to find your way back from lost. But I did it. I put in the time and work and a whole lot of reflection.
Now I believe looking back is only has useful as it helps you look forward.
And move forward. It’s not about living in the past, but rather learning how to be better in your future. I didn’t get back to the way I was pre-anxiety. I became a newer, stronger version of myself. There is a reason we grow up, grow older, and grow more into ourselves as we go.

Because living is a verb.
It involves doing, moving, growing. The opposite of stagnant.
I never would have done all of that self-discovery and learned so much about myself, let alone made such a huge change down a new exciting and challenging path, if I’d never gone crazy in the first place. If my mind and body had never forced me to. If it weren’t for that, I could still be stuck in that comfy corporate routine, going through the monotonous motions of the same daily grind, puttering around in a cloud of corporate processes and org restructures and watercooler talk, a shell of what I was, not fully living or truly alive.
Now I have this amazing, ever-changing, untethered, unconventional life. It’s not comfortable. Far from it. But it’s mine. And it’s still teaching me new things about myself all the time, even now over eight years later. That’s what happens when you step outside of your comfort zone. You grow.

So I don’t regret any of it for a single second. My anxiety sparked a whole new journey that reminded me what I’m living for.
You could say panic attacks saved my life.


If you don’t have a similar gym membership, you can still find a way to regularly exercise. I got additional cardio from national park hikes and occasional morning runs. Plus, I’m a big fan of calisthenics you can do anywhere, like lunges, squats, crunches, planks, and, my personal favorite, push-ups. No matter where I am, I have a goal of 100 push-ups a day. I rarely hit this, but just having the goal motivates me to get at least some in every day. You gotta figure out what works for you. And then don’t stray!
I packed the thing with about ten of both my favorites and ones I’d been meaning to read for forever, fully intending to finish some and at least start the rest. But being on the road makes it very hard to actually do any of that. Not unless you (once again) budget in the time for it.






So no matter what upsets you as you travel on your own journey, remember these mantras. Or find your own mantras or other tricks to bring yourself back to a peaceful state of being.
Definitely not as transcendent, or at least not in the same way. Though you could argue perhaps still spiritual.

Balanced Rock somehow resting just off-center.
All the pane-free Window Arches looking into each other.
(Though I did have fun climbing on their sills.)
That hike up to Delicate Arch that was anything but delicate. 
The Garden of Eden which actually looked quite barren and menacing.
And the Devils Garden which was rather more verdant and heavenly.
Candlestick Tower,
Orange Cliffs,
Upheaval Dome,
Green River,
and (last but not least) the Grand View Point. And ain’t it just grand?
then take in the iconic views at Bryce Point,
the inspiration at the aptly named Inspiration Point,
and reach the final Sunset Point in time to witness its stunning view of the sunset at the end the day. (All while eating my Mountain House meal for dinner straight out of the bag. Multitasking.)
I did actually skip one, Sunrise Point. But at that point in the day, what would have been the point?
But unfortunately the visit did not do it sufficient justice. I crammed in as many small hikes as I could do: The Grotto,
Weeping Rock,
and Riverside Walk.
But sadly The Narrows were too flooded to see (I waded in as far as I could go),
and I didn’t have the time or means to hike Angels Landing.

as well as the Standing Rock reservation itself.

Its signature boxwork was truly out of this world, and especially knowing the story of how it was created in the first place. Such delicate detail, hardened from mineral deposits washed into the cracks of the limestone cave walls. Literally works of art that formed between a rock and a hard place.
One of the most gorgeous things on this trip so far, and that’s saying something. Maybe I missed my calling as a cave explorer. I do like me some tight damp dark spaces. 😉

I’m getting angrier and angrier as I spin the rack around and around, studying every row for any sign of a remotely feminine sounding name. I’m sure I looked strange, muttering angrily and slowly spinning this souvenir display. But inside, I was enraged! I mean, how dare they?!
not to mention the biggest boulder pile I’ve ever seen stacked over a hundred feet high all the way around it. I spent nearly half my time there climbing up and down that giant boulder field to my heart’s content.
I could have easily kept bouldering all day long. But the Tower Trail looping around the whole igneous intrusion also must be done so I could see the big beauty up close and from all angles. 

I drove the full Teton Park Road from one visitor center to the other, right alongside its gloriously glaciated peaks and shimmering lakes.

to Artists Paint Pots
to all the geysers at West Thumb,
and at Upper Geyser Basin,
and Midway Geyser Basin,
and Norris Geyser Basin,
and of course the infamous Old Faithful (which was honestly the least impressive).
I walked around and admired each one, their “potent and inconceivable radiancies shining in bright Mind Essence.” And as each geyser’s thermal sulfuric smoke washed over me, I felt a similar warm, spiritual sensation that blessed me anew. Like burning sage, only better.
And I made a friend. The guy sitting at the diner bar next to me turned out to be a fellow nomad living out of his truck. We talked for hours, swapping travel stories and tips like his idea to use the space under the front passenger seat as a “wine cellar.” So clever.
We spent a beautiful 24 hours together discussing synchronicity and our similar journeys navigating new paths and major life crossroads.
the revolutionary “winged” Gatekeeper,
the classic Magnum XL-200 (the first to start the global Coaster Wars back in ’89),
the iconic Millennium Force,
the legendary Maverick,
the extreme-dropping Valravn,
the rickety wooden Gemini,
the equally whiplash-inducing Rougarou and Raptor,


The museum did a beautiful job of weaving the two together, side by side throughout most of the rooms, as opposed to keeping all the Burning Man pieces quarantined in their own separate room. 
and St. Louis – pausing for only a few hours in each –
on my way to Topeka, Kansas.
Now why Topeka, you may ask. Well it’s where my mother was born. So I promised her I’d go find her old house and childhood haunts, and take pictures for her. I found them alright, and then stumbled upon a most interesting contradiction just a few blocks away. Here lived this beautiful, heartwarming rainbow house painted with words like “love” and “equality” and “acceptance.” And then across the street in stark contrast was this imposing, infuriating church flaunting huge banners that spelled out “Fear God” and “godhatesfags.com.”
It was shocking, and yet quite evocative about our country’s increasingly divisive climate. Deep thoughts.
on the country’s longest pedestrian bridge (The Bob Kerrey Pedestrian Bridge)
and standing in two states at once (Iowa and Nebraska).

explored The Met Cloisters,
the New York Public Library,
the Union Square farmers market,
lunches with industry friends and nights on the town to classic bars and restaurants,
and all sorts of shows (truly NYC’s speciality) including live jazz, movie premieres, friends’ plays, and of course Broadway musicals. I felt
And how much I miss it.




54 Columns art sculpture,
Junkman’s Daughter store,
Krog Street Tunnel graffiti walk,
and then dinner at Krog Street Market, where two men sitting next to me at the bar 










But the day before, I’d had perhaps a little-too-fun-filled day. It started with brunching in Jackson Square,
shopping in the French Market and wandering the French Quarter,
a classic cemetery tour,
and epic donut lunch in the Garden District.
I nearly called it an early night then, but decided to take myself out to dinner at Coop’s, where I couldn’t help but make some new friends who kept me out till all hours afterward drinking and dancing to all the great big band music of Marigny’s historic Frenchme
By the time I drove up to the Joshua Tree National Park entrance, I only had a mere hour and half left to drive in, see the park, and leave. If I took much longer, I wouldn’t make it to my next stop by nightfall and the whole schedule would be thrown off by a day. It was not a promising start.
on my way out and up I-10 and I-17 to the stunning red rocks of Sedona.




Definitely one of the mad ones. And I’m mad about her.






