Anniversary of a Dream… 7 Years Later

18 Mar 2019 Leave a comment

by Rebecca Ahn in filmmaking, goals, happiness

Seven years ago today, I reflected another year back to March 2011 and the day my dream came true – or at least the dream I had at the time.

I’d been drowning a horrible nightmare of anxiety and depression after losing my mind in the corporate hamster wheel, trying to leave that world behind and find a new path. And I’d finally found it, my true purpose: turning my passions for action and films into a new career in action filmmaking. I’d forged a new partnership with an incredibly talented director & fight choreographer, become part of a stunt team, and been offered the most incredible role of a lifetime: producer and lead stunt actress in a new independent feature film.

One year later, the dream had fully become reality. A real-life live-action independent action film called Death Grip. We released it to decent acclaim, a few awards, one packed Comic-Con panel room full of laughs, and plenty of international sales. We then went on to make several brilliant short films, got hired to design the action for others’, and began planning our next feature. We were killing it!

Death Grip Premiere sign2.jpg

But as with all good things, it cannot last forever and eventually must come to an end. As my partner and I grew in our own individual creative journeys, we found our vision and goals didn’t align as much as they once did. So by March 2013 (six years ago now), we had very amicably and mutually parted ways and Action Pact Entertainment was no more. Comic Con with Darren Shahlavi3.jpg

I will be forever grateful for that experience, and how much it helped me grow and find myself. But for the next six years, I felt a little lost without that clear direction and partnership. I’ve tried to find it in so many other places, positions, and partnerships to little avail. I’ve dabbled in entirely new fields like fin-tech (aka digital currency aka the wonderful world of Bitcoin) and women’s menstrual health (Flex. Check it out. Srsly revolutionary). But nothing gave me the same surge of passion or purpose. Nothing has clicked.

Eight years ago, when I last felt that lost and decided to leave the Google corporate machine, I first took a 3-month sabbatical to clear my head and do lots of deep soul-searching. I cleared my schedule of all commitments except a whole lot of journaling – right here on The Writes Of Passage. (In fact, that was the impetus for starting this blog in the first place.) It was the best decision I could’ve made and gave me the space to discover that new freelance path ahead.

Now I’ve once again hit that serious rut, only in a new shape (same dog, different tricks). You could say it’s been a while coming, but I guess I’ve just finally reached my breaking point. So I’ve decided it’s time to rinse and repeat.

If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed… I’ll just have to go out there and find that new purpose. I have no idea where it is, so I’ll just have to look everywhere.

I bought a Honda Element and just finished a pretty sweet buildout (I’ll post more details and photos of that soon). So now the plan is to take this new home-on-wheels and van-life it across America the beautiful. 3 months. Over 9,000 miles. Nearly every state. And just about every national park I can manage.

It’s going to be one heck of a road trip adventure. With plenty of time driving alone for lots of reflecting and soul-searching.

So here’s to taking another 3-month sabbatical, much like I did eight years ago. And like eight years ago, I’ll once again be journaling and posting about my journey as I go right here on The Writes Of Passage (and on Instagram, coz I’m a sucker for social pressure).

So wish me luck, and stay tuned!

The Superheroes in Us

05 Oct 2012 Leave a comment

by Rebecca Ahn in filmmaking, tough cookie

At this year’s World Domination Summit (which I’ve still yet to actually attend, but someday), Chris Brogan said “When we look up to superheroes, it’s because there are aspects of us that we see in them that we want to bring out in ourselves.”

Batgirl Wonder Woman & Supergirl

I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I think that’s true of any successful, powerful character we see on the big screen (or our personal television screen, laptop, tablet, whatever). The “superheroes” we see in the movies need to be reflections of us, as complex and flawed as we are, or else you lose the connection to them and to the movie itself.

All too often, this point is missed in the development of powerful female “superhero” characters. They lack the depth, vulnerability, and will to overcome that which we real-life women experience everyday.

But what can better motivate a character and create drama and add suspense than giving that character great obstacles both externally and internally.

It’s been uplifting to see improvement in the development and depth of strong male characters in film. They are starting to realize that a man’s character doesn’t have to be all brawn and no brains or suffering from inner demons. But we’ve yet to see it embraced in the leading female form.

And quite frankly, I’m getting tired of it.

It’s always more of the same. She’s the scantily-clad trained assassin who never loses, until she falls in love. Or the scantily-clad spoiled damsel in distress who suddenly becomes an amazing fighter who takes down everyone. Or the scantily-clad mysterious enchantress with magical powers which you have no idea how she got, who always seems to know the right thing to do. Or she’s the scantily-clad girlfriend, or best friend, or reluctant sidekick bookworm (librarian fantasy anyone?). And we haven’t even begun to talk about the scantily-clad femme fatale.

Are you tired of these same old tropes?

If we can’t see ourselves in the heroes portrayed in media, how can we know what we can become? How are we to aspire to anything greater? How can we have the courage to work through our own pain and overcome our own demons to achieve greatness?

And on the flipside: If we can do the work and embrace the presence of flaws and kryptonite within ourselves, then why can’t we embrace it in the fictional characters that are supposed to connect with us on screen?

Movies and TV shows should be a reflection of real life, no matter how far-fetched or fantastical the plot. Even the most outlandish stories can resonate the deepest because they reflect truths we see within ourselves and the world around us.

So it’s about time we saw that reflected in some stronger, more complex female superheroes. Wouldn’t you say?

The Semi-Telecommuter

04 Jun 2012 Leave a comment

by Rebecca Ahn in happiness

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of travel hacking and working from the road, which is a very nice dream to fantasize about. But in reality, I don’t think I’d actually enjoy that life. The problem is I’m too much of an extrovert, and I need the consistent company of trusted people to sustain my sanity. So if I were to move that often and not having any stable place to call home, I would find that too unnerving. Even though I would be happy to meet new people and create new communities everywhere I went, none of them would last long enough to be sufficiently fulfilling for me.

At the same time, I’ve also learned that I hate staying in one place for too long. So the common practice of keeping one permanent home and then taking frequent trips from there while working remotely is also an unattractive prospect for me. After a while, I would get tired of always coming back to the same place time after time. And in the same vein as above, I’d also get tired of constantly traveling and being on the go, on the road, that frequently.

On the other hand, I am also aware that I do still tend to move fairly often. Looking at my housing pattern over the last 5 years, I’ve moved 10 times and on average about every 6 months. So it would seem that my ideal term of residence is about 6 months, and then I feel the inexplicable urge to move on and start anew somewhere else. It doesn’t even have to be that far away. Despite moving 10 times in the last 5 years, I stayed entirely situated in the California Bay Area. So clearly I don’t need to move far to feel that sense of starting fresh.

So if I were to take both of these into consideration, I imagine I’d like to create a new kind of mobile working lifestyle. I don’t want to be constantly on the go, but I do want to be able to change my surroundings every 4-8 months. So I’m not sure yet what that will entail exactly, but I’m excited to explore how I can construct this ideal lifestyle of mine. How can I maintain a life of moving every 4-8 months, without disrupting the nature and flow of my work, or my work-life balance?

The life of a semi-transient worker. The somewhat location independent businesswoman. The occasional telecommuter. The periodic nomad.

Do you think this concept already exists, and if so, what do you think of it? Or if not, do you have any ideas how you imagine this might work? I’d love to hear your thoughts, so please feel free to Leave a Comment!

A New Me

08 May 2012 Leave a comment

by Rebecca Ahn in happiness Tags: career change, new career, new life, new lifestyle, new me

It’s far more important to know who you are, and be comfortable with that, than to know or try to be who others think you are (or think you should be).

I used to know exactly who that me was. And I may not have been the gentlest, or calmest, or most mature me, but at least I was me. At least I knew who that was. The only problem was, I didn’t really like where that me was. And I wanted to change.

At the time, I thought it was just the lifestyle I wanted to change. But looking back now, I realize it was actually that me that I wanted to change, that I no longer wanted to be. What I really wanted was to change me, be a different me, a better me.

However, I wasn’t aware of this at the time, so I didn’t really focus on solving that particular issue or getting to the core of it. Instead, I fixed my situation and surroundings. I found a new lifestyle, a new career, a new world to occupy myself in. And that made it all better… for a while.

Maybe I could say that on some level I did know that entering this new world would also force me to change who I am as a person, and how I would live that new life. But I didn’t spend any time actually thinking about how I would change or figuring out who that new me would be.

So now here I am, with this incredible new life, new career, new relationships and new community, and I’m amazed to discover that I’m still not completely happy. Because I still don’t know who I am – who this new me is that fits into this exciting new world.

That’s still something I’m working on. And I won’t figure it out overnight, but at least I’m focused on the core issue now. I’m looking inward for once, instead of at my surroundings and how they affect me. I’m taking responsibility for the affect my recent major decisions have had on me and my personality.

For example, I’ve been struggling with the fact that I feel less ever-bubbly and energetic like I used to be, and the fact that I now actually frequently desire the company of fewer people at a time… sometimes even none. That scares me, because that’s completely different from how I used to be. And I thought that meant something was wrong. But it isn’t wrong. It’s just new. Being in a new place in my life has also meant becoming a new person. And I don’t regret this new life, or where I am now, so how can I be disappointed in the me I am now?

I’m going to embrace this new me, and find the joy in the things that this new me values – more intimate interactions, greater comfort with trust and vulnerability, more time for quiet and reflection, and a need to feel ownership over my own space and own choices. And if I can do that, then I can truly say I know who I am within this new life, and new me, that I now call my own.

Sneak Peek at My Dream

29 Mar 2012 1 Comment

by Rebecca Ahn in filmmaking, happiness

OK now you’ve heard all about my dream come true, and you’ve seen the official trailer for it. So how about I give you a little taste of what the actual dream will look like in reality?

Watch this sneak peek at one of Death Grip‘s most heart-pounding scenes!

Pretty gripping huh?

Well if you liked that, then you should definitely go check out the Death Grip movie website for more awesome clips and teasers. And get excited for the full feature film coming out very soon!

PS: Here’s the official trailer one more time, just in case you haven’t had a chance to watch it yet:

My Dream’s Official Trailer – Watch Now!

23 Mar 2012 1 Comment

by Rebecca Ahn in filmmaking Tags: action film, action movie, action thriller, action trailer, death grip, eric jacobus, film trailer, martial arts, martial arts film, martial arts movie, martial arts trailer, movie trailer

By now, you all surely know about the martial arts action-thriller I’m producing, Death Grip. (And I don’t care if your name isn’t Shirley!)

So you’ll forgive me for sharing another update about this very exciting film, because it’s possibly the most exciting news yet –

We’ve just released the Official Death Grip Trailer!

…and boy does it pack a punch! If you liked the old trailer, just wait till you see this one – it totally kicks the old one’s ass. But be forewarned: this new trailer is exponentially more action-packed & awesome, and it might just blow your mind!

We are so damn proud of this trailer (which Eric Jacobus and I cut together in one day I might add), so we’re going for a really lofty view count on this one!

Please watch it, “like” it, comment on it…

and then SHARE IT – put it on your Facebook, Tweet it, Blog it (or just re-blog this post), email it, write it on a post-it and stick it to someone, anything!

And as always, a huge thanks to everyone who made this a reality. I’m living my dream people, and this trailer is solid proof!

Anniversary of a Dream

18 Mar 2012 1 Comment

by Rebecca Ahn in filmmaking, google, happiness Tags: film producer, filmmaking, Google, stunt actor

I know I keep coming back to this same theme and repeating the same story, but I really am still amazed how far my life has come in only the last year. Somehow, I managed to go from living a nightmare to living my dream. And it only took a year… well a year + 4 years.

For 4 years, I puttered around in a cloud of corporate processes and org restructures and watercooler talk, changing roles and teams and even departments trying to find the kind of success other people had told me I should want. And after those 4 years, my health and spirits were deteriorating. I’d developed anxiety disorder and started having panic attacks in the office. My life became a shadowy nightmare of itself, sharply contrasted with the bright and colorful world of the Google office.

Even when facing a destructive situation, it sometimes takes hitting rock bottom to actually do something about it. My boss and mentor finally sat me down and insisted I take medical leave, even though she knew that once I got my head back on straight, it might result in my decision to leave the company altogether. I was overwhelmed by this generous offer, and I took my leave very seriously. So that after 3 months of heavy self reflecting and soul searching, I decided on my next course of action.

And then on March 18, 2011, exactly one year ago today, I bit farewell to Google and the corporate world for good and embarked on a brand new occupational adventure that has lead me to where I am today.

Even today, it still feels like a wonderful dream come true.

My Google Alumni Voice

15 Mar 2012 Leave a comment

by Rebecca Ahn in filmmaking, google, happiness Tags: action pact entertainment, Alumni Voice, death grip, eric jacobus, film producer, filmmaker, Google, Google Alumni, post-Google, production company, rebecca ahn, stunt actor, the chaos whisperer, the stunt people

Recently an old Google colleague reached out to me with an exciting proposition. The Google Alumni online network, of which I am now a member, has launched a new publication called the Alumni Voice and she asked if I would write an article for it to share my post-Google story.

Naturally, I jumped at the chance and found myself once again writing out the story of how I came to leave Google and find the incredible new path I am now fortunate to be on.

Now I’m so proud to see it live and published, that I wanted to share it with everyone. Unfortunately, only Google Alumni members have access to the Alumni Voice. So I asked for (and was granted) permission to share the content of that article here with you all as well.

Enjoy!
Rebecca

Alumni Voice: Rebecca Ahn’s 2nd act as a stunt actor

Mar 09, 2012

Alumni Voice: Rebecca Ahn cannot sit still. Her life is as action-packed as the movies she creates as a film producer and stunt actor. When she’s not making films with Action Pact Entertainment & The Stunt People, including the current Death Grip, she is writing poetry and blogging about how to achieve greater balance with the chaos that inevitably comes with creativity. Rebecca worked as an Admin and AdWords Account Optimizer while at Google for 4 years. RebeccaAhn.com

NOTE: We have launched another outlet for alumni expression called “Alumni Voices,” an area of the Network dedicated to your musings. We want alumni to express themselves and connect with one another through alumni-written articles about their passions, interests, hobbies and advice.

Some people just aren’t meant to find fulfillment in the corporate world. I know Google can be an incredibly encouraging and satisfying work environment. It just wasn’t for me. And after 4 years of changing roles, and teams, and even departments, trying to achieve the success others told me I should want, I found myself wondering, “am I happy?”

So I began my search for a new career. I created lists upon pages with every insight I could muster into who I am and what I really want, finally culminating in what I called my Occupational Trix. I listed my 10 “must have” work attributes along the top row of a new Google spreadsheet and over 40 possible jobs (regardless of location or skill) down the first column. I then checked the attributes that each job fulfilled and deleted every job that didn’t meet ALL 10 of them, until I had my Top 5 careers. But rather than tell you what they were, I’ll tell you what they weren’t.

They weren’t at Google.

So with my manager’s genuine understanding and support, I bid Google farewell and embarked on a brand new occupational adventure.

What happened next was nothing short of magical. One of my Top 5 careers was Film Stuntwork – and while this seemed the most far-fetched, it also resonated the most strongly with me. So you can imagine my excitement when a good friend mentioned she knew someone with a Bay Area stunt crew. I don’t know how to explain it, but somehow something in me knew this was it – this was the one and only path for me.

What followed was a blur of fortune and chance. I met Eric Jacobus, founder and manager of The Stunt People, and began practicing with them. He showed me his latest screenplay that he was preparing to direct, and suddenly I was being offered the female lead part. Then when Eric needed more help producing the film, and learned of my strong theatre and event production background (pre-Google), he asked me to come on board as the film’s producer!

Over the next 10 months, I experienced immeasurable happiness and fulfillment performing in and producing the action-thriller Death Grip, simultaneously developing a deep relationship with Eric, my producing partner, co-star, and eventually also boyfriend.

Even today, as Eric and I build our new production company and prepare to make our next several films together, it all still feels so surreal. In a year’s time, I went from feeling empty and lost to feeling like my life’s dream is coming true. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t get here without a great deal of struggle and self-questioning, or without the courage to leave behind a world of comfort and security, but you’ll never hear me say it wasn’t all completely worth it.

That’s because what’s even greater than knowing the career I want, is knowing who I am and what success means to me. Some people just aren’t meant to find fulfillment in the corporate world – they’re meant to go out into the great unknown and build it themselves instead.

The Writes of Passage