Ending the Vicious Cycle

I wish I could be like those people who get excited to wake up at the crack of dawn, jumping out of bed at the sound of their alarm, business suit ready to tackle another productive day at the office. Ah, those happy corporate drones, finding accomplishment sitting at a desk, working on a computer all day, writing a few redundant emails here, attending some pointless meetings there, making the cogs in the wheels of revenue generation turn.

Why couldn’t I be just as happy doing that?

Why instead do I have to feel suffocated and unmotivated in such an environment? I physically ache at the idea of submitting purchase orders and expense reports. I tire too quickly of the endless daily swarm of emails asking this impossible request or that unnecessary question. And all I want to do is get out, just get outside and away from the sounds of monotonous keyboard typing and hushed water cooler gossiping.

I thought loving the company was enough. Believing in the incredible impact Google has on the world’s community, how we are changing the game, creating more access and opportunity for more people.

But I’ve gotten to a point where I just have to face the fact that what I do here does not interest me. I’m pretty sure it never did, to be honest. It was just my way of making my mark in a company that I thought had so much potential to do so much good, that it was worth just getting my foot in the door. And perhaps it still has that potential, but that doesn’t change the fact that my day to day remains tedious and distant.

And for that matter, do I even still love Google as I once did? As a young business, it was such an awesome story to tell: the growth and success it reaped so quickly, while maintaining such a philanthropic start-up culture. But now? Now it’s become so much like just another large corporation, forced to make tougher decisions and more compromises. Now it’s become this large company, desperately trying to still run itself like a small company, and having a terribly conflicted time in the process.

I can’t actually make a difference through this company, or at least the kind of difference I think I want to make. I can’t manifest that impact I desire from this desk. Not given where the company is now, and the role I play in it.

And I’m tired. I’m exhausted every day that I have to wake up before the sun rises, and sit at my desk typing busily away, while the best part of the day passes serenely by. And then you see, the wearier I get of my job, the less I get done. And the less productive I am, the longer I have to work to finish. And the longer hours I work, the later I get to sleep. And the less sleep I get, the wearier I become. And so it perpetuates, the vicious cycle I’ve become.

More and more I’m beginning to see that in order to fully restore my health, my energy, my passion for life, the only thing left to do is to no longer be employed in such a job, at such a company, in such an environment.

And so I must conclude, with a somewhat less heavy heart that I expected, that I must now begin planning my inevitable departure from the Google bubble.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Chaos is the Mother of Invention « The Writes of Passage
  2. Trackback: How Panic Attacks Saved My Life | The Writes of Passage

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