The Writes of Passage

Last night, two lovely ladies and myself sat down at the Awesome House to watch the movie Eat, Pray, Love starring Julia Roberts. I absolutely adored the book, but had not yet had the chance to see the movie, so I literally bounced up and down when Gayle suggested the idea. Watching the movie brought back so many thoughts and emotions that I’d forgotten since first reading the book. So I went and dug up the diary entry I’d written back in April as an immediate reaction to the book. Reading now over the old familiar words, I am struck by how much they still relate, and possibly even more so, to my current state.

April 2, 2010
WARNING: The following diary entry is very long. 🙂

Shortly after celebrating my 26^th anniversary, I decided to pick up ‘Eat Pray Love,’ which I’d been given as a Christmas gift a few months earlier but had yet to crack open – and not surprisingly as this was just one in a tall stack of books I’ve had every intention (and only intention) of reading in the last few years – so honestly, the fact that I took it up a mere 3 months after being given it is pretty remarkable and demonstrative of how eager I was to read the thing.

So here I am reading this New York Times Bestseller… and it’s actually speaking to me. I mean really resonating with me, in the kind of way that makes you re-evaluate every choice you’ve made to come to the method by which you lead your current existence. (phew!) I’m actually discovering things about myself. I’m realizing it may not be entirely out of my hands that I’ve been so unhappy lately. If Liz, the book’s protagonist, can overcome such depression – if practices such as meditation and Yoga truly are built on the foundation of mastering and letting go of one’s suffering – then perhaps I too can, as the Sanskrit mantra goes, honor the divinity that resides within me.

Ideas are starting to form as well. Perhaps I should try changing up my routine. I mean, honestly, I’ve been doing the same basic routine for 3 years now, the 3 years I’ve been working at this company, living the 9-5 (or rather more 8-6) life a corporate minion is supposed to. And I’ve had a headache for the past 3 years. Coincidence? I think not. Perhaps it is time for a change of pace.

Now, I feel I should preface this by saying that I am no stranger to change. In fact, you could say that over the course of my 26 year-journey, I’ve more often been inclined towards change. For example, I’ve dyed my hair just about every typical hair color imaginable – all shades of blonde, red, brunette, black, even orange – I tend to want to run from relationships after a month or two, and every 6 months I’m prone to entirely questioning and refocusing my career goals.

So the idea of changing the pace of my life should be a relatively natural concept. I should be able to wrap my head around this, so why does it seem so foreign to me? Or more interestingly, why haven’t I ever thought to do this before? I do love change, so why is this different?

This early in the journey, I am ill-equipped to answer all these questions buzzing about in my noggin. So I must content myself that my journey will help me strive to answer these along the way. And so I move on, or return as it were, to the ideas that had begun forming themselves in my curious mind. Now ‘Eat Pray Love’ is divided into 108 sections (the number of prayer beads on Indian japa malas) that represent each of Liz’s personal discoveries, but I don’t quite feel like writing that many. So I’ve committed to outlining just 3, which is the purest divisible number of 108.

One: Early to bed & early to rise.

I need to completely change the hours of my daily routine. Living in a lively, social city like San Francisco, I’ve slowly become more of a night-owl, going out on weekends (and often weekdays) until well past midnight, partying and dancing and drinking till I can’t feel anymore – because that’s what everyone does. Then when my alarm goes off at 6:30am for work, I wake up grumpy and groggy, ill-pleased with the concept of getting my day going.

So the idea is to change my conception of a reasonable bedtime, aiming to start my REM cycle by 10pm every night (yes, I realize this makes me seem like a tired old hag). And though I may not actually achieve this, it will at least get me to bed earlier than I do now. Shoot for the moon, and you’ll at least hit the stars.

Then in conjunction with this, I plan to set my alarm for 6am every weekday morning (8am on weekends). I will likewise also likely sleep in a bit past this, but again it will get me up and about earlier than I’ve been doing now. And although I’m not much of a morning person, I do notice that the days I get up earlier, I tend to feel more productive and positive throughout the day. And who knows, perhaps this new routine will eventually help me get over that morning mental block.

So that’s settled. Now on to Two: Meditate daily.

I’ve come to the realization that I talk far too much. Even when no one’s around to hear me, I quite often end up talking to myself… out loud. And I’m always on the go, always busy. Literally every time someone asks me ‘how’ve you been?’ my reply is always ‘oh you know, the usual… busy.’ I need to slow down, I need to push the pause button on my life from time to time… and be ok with it. I need to learn to sit down, relax, and let go.

It’s more than just meditating. That’s the initial idea, or the main method by which I plan to practice this, but what it really boils down to is that I need to learn how to be still and listen. I want to be able to stay still for a while, and just observe, be a witness to everything – my surroundings, the people I interact with, my own thoughts. Only then can I truly understand them, and be at peace. Only then can I learn how to avoid the nagging stress always preying on me. Only then will I find the balance I need to live a healthy, compassionate life amidst the busyness.

And lastly, Three: Identify what I really want (ignoring what I’ve been told I should want).

I began to touch on this in Two, expressing my want to be able to sit still and listen, but this is really a vast enough topic to warrant its own section. I want to figure out what it is I really want, for myself. And then go for it. And so I’ve begun a small list, which I add to every time the moment strikes me, or something I read resonates with me and sparks a new desire. I first reflect on it, to make sure it is truly something I want myself, and not just something that’s generally regarded as good to want. But once determined to be my own, I write it down, and this is what I have so far:

I want:

• to find spirituality, or recognize the spirituality I already have
• to feel excited upon waking for the prospect of each day
• to honor the divinity that resides within me (‘Om Namah Shivaya’)
• to find the right balance in my life, live harmoniously amid extremes
• the patience to sit back and let things happen, take them as they come
• to be able to let someone in without second guessing it
• to be able to accept my negative thoughts, and let them pass
• to feel beautiful in my own skin
• to feel the daily work I do has a real lasting impact on people’s lives, building a better world
• to better cherish and deepen the few really valuable relationships in my life, quality versus quantity

In some ways, I see the absurdity of my plan.

No one ever really figured out their life’s mission by just sitting down and thinking about it. It came to those ‘enlightened’ people through opportunities that presented themselves as they went on living their lives, most likely through a combination of timing and luck. It probably did not come as some great epiphany while they sat idly in reflection.

So no matter how hard I try, or how long I take, or how much I ponder, I must accept that I will likely not find the answer I want this way. All I can do is now adjust my expectations and instead aim for a better understanding of my current position; what I can do in the very immediate ‘now’ to better achieve a healthy contented state of being. Hopefully that will lead me to ideas for the best next step to take.

Many ideas will surface, but ultimately, if I am to get back out there and open up the possibility for such opportunities, I’m going to have to, as my friend Sarah so poignantly put it, ‘just pick something and run with it.’ And once I hit that ground running, I’ll stumble more and more next steps that will eventually pave the road in the direction of what I am searching for.

It may be a rocky road, but at least it will finally be mine.

I’ve been so worried all my life about where I’m going, how I’m getting there, if I’ll ever amount to anything, how I can become good at everything, liked by everyone, and on and on…

But now I see that none of that matters if I’m not happy now. I’ve got to stop chasing a ideal that isn’t even mine, stop trying to catch up to an impossible image. I’ve got to find my own dream, even if it means doing something that isn’t that highly rewarded or acknowledged, even if it’s something I didn’t consider before, even if it means letting go of what I’ve been killing myself working towards for the last 26 years.

I don’t want to live on stress anymore, and I don’t want to keep trying to be everything anymore. I just want to be me. I want to figure out what makes me me, and just be that from now on.

I will have to go back to work tomorrow, as my all-to-brief 3 day self stay-cation comes to an end. But let me not forget what I’ve written here. Let me not lose this precious new nugget of my worth. Just be me, Rebecca, just be me.

I can’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. The grace & love I was bestowed this last Awesome Weekend, the immense support I’ve been given by a group of infinitely superior human beings, creating an open space for me to completely let go and expose my grotesque vulnerable underbelly. I’ve honestly never been this tuned in to my own weaknesses, let alone so freely shared them with the people around me. And as terrifying as it is, this is the first step. The knowing, the recognizing and releasing of what I’ve held inside for so long.

The next step is to face it head on; look it deep in the eyes and try to unlock its mystery. The thing is, one can never really overcome their vulnerability. It is a part of us, a part of the whole package that is me, and what makes me real and human and fallible. So I realize I can’t just shut it out or win it over, but rather I need to accept it for what it is; be a better person because of it. These weak spots in me are opportunities to grow, to identify where I should be moving forward with my life. And for people like us, forward is the only option. I don’t do standing still.

So here I go. Full speed ahead!

She was not a very diligent diary keeper, but what she did write, when she did write, went far beyond the average ramblings of man (or woman). Her words were sort of sparkling insights into the complex vulnerabilities and admittances of the human psyche, hers as well as the social construct at large, as can only be narrated by a truly neurotic artist.

As she typed, her fingers flying across the keys with swift confidence, she would pause a moment to capture the right phrasing, then quickly return focus to the bright screen before her. Within minutes, paragraphs were forming of such significance that may not be fully understood for many years. Even so, today we dive into the writings and ravings of Rebecca Ahn, as we explore the insane brilliance of an at once much beloved and misunderstood woman come to life.

Come with me as we start our journey looking back at what ignited this first monumental passage in Rebecca’s life. Oh it’s not over yet, and I’m sure there will be many more passages to come. But to fully understand, we must first start at the beginning.

It’s hard to say where exactly it all began, as it had really been coming on very gradually for years. So I suppose we shall begin our tale on the 25^th of October 2010, on the first day Rebecca decided to take off work in an effort to address the questions threatening to send her carefully balanced self-identity over the edge.